More of the Same

Today was no different. Did just about nothing.
I went to the grocery store with my parents and dogs (dogs and dad waited in car).
And there they terrorized me. It was gross. I know the people in the store are robots, and I know someone is remotely hypnotically triggering something or a number of things, but I still wanted to hit that guy with the loaf of bread. Sometimes I put something in front of my body/face to keep people away from me or so that I don't see them. I play all these weird games like being extra nice to someone whom I want to pummel because they get too close to me and not getting out of the way for people.

It's not a complete distortion because these people are agents of the 'devil' - I am not imagining that I have people lurking in the shadows, in cars, behind cameras, or wherever, plotting to make me feel horrible horrible things repeatedly. They are there and they are 'hurting' me on purpose. But they are calling it therapy. Still.

I complained some more in my room by myself because I have these delusions that people sneak into my house when we all go out and install monitoring devices in hidden places. Do you think I am crazy? Do you think what they are doing to me is crazy?

I didn't want my mom to spend anymore money on me - she has been carrying me financially for 2 years. And these aholes brainwashed her main source of income to forget about her for the past year. I really really don't know what these people expect from me. Except that they keep wanting to re-enact situations that happened to me, over and over and over again. It's like they are obsessed with my issues and victimization.

So I didn't reallly look for cool food in the grocery store. I just want my own kitchen and refridgerator. There is no room for anything I might want. So I just eat what she buys. I don't make myself carrot juice anymore. The juicer has been in my trunk for over 2 months now, since Thankgiving. And now it is almost Valentines Day. Can you believe what they are still doing to me? I felt like a child, throwing things into my mommy's grocery cart. It was mostly cleaning supplies. I did pick out my toilet paper because I hate the one she buys.

So I have had no highlights today. I showered, put on some pseudo nice clothes, got reemed in the supermarket, and my mom kept flicking her fingers in the car which kept triggering  me because I am all programmed up. This is sooo not worth it. Seriously, I would rather live in a cave for the rest of my life than experience this. I am not kidding. Maybe not a cave, but an apartment that serves as a cave. Just avoid people, and crowds. Because they are the problem, seemingly. Why are relationships ever worth it if they are going to be anything like what I have experienced? These guys are a bunch of broken magicians who are not my heroes but rather are trying to make the best of a bad situation. I still get to worry for the rest of my life about a bazillion different things. Even if all the magicians died, I would still have so many worries.

Whatever, I have no idea what they are doing, except pissing my life away for me. They are in touch with me less and less, and the bills keep streaming in.

My mom just said 'this is what you wanted' to the dogs, and I think that was directed at me. THIS is what I wanted? Sitting around doing nothing? HA. What a joke. I'm not any more ready to wheel and deal than I was 2 years ago. I just want to run away but I can't. I just want to die but I can't. I just want to see people who know me but I can't. I want to make friends (and hide in my cave) but I can't. I just want to get out of this house tonight but I can't. They 'let' me bring in 2 books from my car, which is a bad sign. It just goes on and on. I don't even think I am allowed to pray still. They keep sabotaging me every time I try.