bubble feet

They made me pour boiling water on my feet this morning.

OK maybe I am exaggerating. It was only a few drops. But what is the point of my complaint?
- It could have been a whole pot, which means that for the rest of my life I have to worry that I am going to pour boiling water on my feet. It is not always the offense, but rather the implicit threat, and power, that looms over me by the magicians. And this had never occurred to me. It 'was' a pure area of life, but it's not anymore. It is officially tainted. They don't like that I complain that they ruin things because as MH professionals their whole premise is that one can heal from past hurts. So, instead, they tell me (without words) that this ruining thing is MY problem, and that I need practice managing magician victimization, so they keep coming up with new things to do to me. Yes this is on the heels of a few years of being attacked. Go figure. Somehow this is all my fault.
- One also loses the ability to have confidence in one's abilities. You might know, or suspect, that someone is brainwashing you into doing something like typing the wrong keys, which I do over and over again, every time I sit down to type. A lot goes on - I try not to get mad, at myself, or them - I try to ignore it. But then they force the anger feelings to come through anyway. Because I need to be mad about being terrorized, because that  is a healthy response. Being numb is not a healthy response. But I don't want to be mad. No one understands that. I have no way of knowing if I am being hypnotized or not, so what is the point in getting mad that I bonked my head, stubbed my toe, mistyped a bunch of words, can't do the sudoku puzzle, etc. And, on top of all this, they are doing something completely different:
   1. They are forcing me via hyp to do something to hurt or frustrate myself.
   2. They force me via hyp to get mad.
   3. And then they tell me that I am really mad about something else like sx abuse from 30 years ago, because they paired those buried feelings with the thoughts about someone making me bonk my head. Because I can't handle the real truth about my past, but it needs to be recollected, emotionally at least? It's like they are unleashing compartments of rage and forcing me to think different thoughts. That is what people with bad wiring do anyway: they think the person in the museum just did something incredibly horrible to them when all they did was bump into their purse/body.

That is so not who I want to be, the hysterical histortionist, but that is what they make me into every day. I've been aware for a long time that some of my hysterics were mine to own, so I would try to hide them. I knew I was having large reactions internally so I would just do what I could to get through the moment. I would think, this is who I am, someone who gets upset at odd things. I can't control it or change it. I don't know why it happens, but there is no way I am going to tell anyone because why would a very sad person confide in the very person who appears to be making them sad when  they suspect that the problem is theirs alone? Someone once advised me to preach the truth to myself every time I have a 'moment', while feeling the awful feelings, and eventually over time the intensity would die down. I haven't had much opportunity to practice that because my life/brain was taken over 7 years ago. And, I began thinking that the real healing comes from 'releasing' the junk: you get real meaning for the real feelings because proper connections in the brain are restored, and then you don't have those hysterical reactions. But they aren't even letting me make sense of my life in that way.. Either it's not true, or not advisable in my situation. No one is telling me anything.

The bottom line of their message to me is:
- You are not who you think you are (most people aren't either)
- You don't think you get mad because you don't remember
- We need to make you mad repeatedly so that you stay in touch with yourself when you get mad
- Even though you are in a makeshift prison with no real relationships or choices of your own, you are not being maltreated or punished. HA!

They say I have attachment problems because multiple people have approached me with games and fun over the past few years and then lashed out at me, repeatedly, without cause. They want me to reason with myself, that these people were under a tremendous amount of stress, or were being controlled or pushed, and that I don't really know who they are yet. They told me that most of these people are physically and mentally contagiously ill, are still under considerable stress, and want to rape/molest me but why can't I just forgive them and explore friendship with them? What would you do? They've already been 'wired' to hurt me, so if I show up with that fearful look in my eyes, I will be asking for it.

Am I going to get in trouble for posting this? The words never go away, they sit in browser feeds on people's computers indefinitely. I have no idea.

I could pray but they won't let me. They told me they were going to minister to me by playing with me via magic, but one woman, whom I have never met, made me bonk my teeth on a beer bottle, and then made me say 'In Your Name We Play' instead of 'Pray' during a public prayer. Are we playing in His name? I don't know. Is using magic 'Playing in His Name'? Well God knows the whole situation including the fears and dangers and complications of real face to face interactions, and that this is how they have communicated with me since I was fired from therapy almost 4 years ago. Is He a gray God or a black and white God? Does He say MAGIC IS WRONG stop it now? Someone else needs to pray about this because they don't let me pray. God says that murder is wrong but then He himself kills people and gets people to kill each other (i.e. war, judgement on nations, etc.). Does it make sense to use magic to fix what magic has done to people's lives? It seems that way, but people will surely make mistakes and use it for the wrong reasons. And, we have discovered how magic screws up people's heads.

It is like no other debate.

Summary of my situation today:
1 - Another day in hell
2 - Another day alone
3 - My plans include some sort of exercise, maybe eventually I will brush my teeth and hair. Eat some food. Complain. Wonder if the dogs have psychological problems or if they are just being magicizied. If they have problems we need to work on them. But they are not my dogs. If they are being controlled by magic/vodoo, there is nothing we can do. But I can't tell my parents so I have to pretend that my parents are the ones who keep making mistakes with the dogs' bx problems. It might be true, it might not be. My parents might also be controlled by vodoo into making mistakes or not addressing problems. It looks like we are witnessing some sort of numbing/hopeless attitude that parents or victimized people fall into. But if we are still being victimized, which we are, then what is the point in trying to fix a problem with the dogs? What is the point in even thinking about it? And I have a different vantage point than them. They don't know that they were victimized in the past or even today. Do you see what I go through every day?