dear diary

The powers that be asked me to write about this morning. What a freakin joke!

On the walk, in the kitchen, is it bx problem with dogs, or not??? I have no idea.
But I bet that they used magic on my dogs to get them to do things, and that they continue to do so. And the dogs probably picked up habits that they would not have so they might keep these bad habits that the magicians gave them.
And if you use magic to make someone have sex with a child or in a group setting, it changes the person's head so that they will act differently afterwards even when not under the influence of magic. Addiction, shame, anger, dissociation, the inability to think.In the case of the dogs, they have discovered food on the counter as fair game. I think.

I don't know how true everything I write is, but that is what I suspect and believe, so yes it does make me crazy.

Today when the dogs ran down the stairs, I worried that they might get the food but I figured the stairs are long enough for them to prepare for the dogs entering the kitchen. And if not, I figured it was their fault for being careless and apathetic and in denial about the dogs' problems so they deserve the consequences, which incidentally, is not that big. Just some food loss. For me the consequences are big psychologically because I don't know what the reality really is.  For them it is just food loss and anger. So my Dad yelled at me in my face. Or, you made him, or let him. He doesn't yell like that making eye contact with me very often, or at all. So maybe it was cathartic for him, but it just makes me hate all of you even more. I don't want to live here. You are forcing me to live here, and be subject to 2 big monsters daily. My life is so far gone it is off the charts fantasy world no where near reality. Because of you people, choosing to make robots out of all of us, as if you are better, smarter, in higher standing, more important, more worthy of power, than us. Talk about having a God complex. Take a look in the mirror jerks.

Maybe they don't make me type wrong things. Maybe they disable my keyboard or add keystrokes. I don't know which it is. Does that make me want to kill myself? When I think about it, yes. How would you feel if people were controlling your head to make you mistype, and then they also put software on your computer so that they can control what the keystrokes actually do on the screen. And then they make you use the computer. And then they tell you what they are doing to you, and then they hypnotize you into feeling angry. Wouldn't you want to kill yourself too? One of the reasons why we are in this mess in the first place is because I hated being hypnotized. And the new people are so compassionate that they ignore my issues with it completely and do what past aholes have done. Maybe it's true that there is no other way to fix someone's head, but what about my pov?

I have to use computers for the rest of my life. It seems like they are punishing me for journaling. Oh yeah in addition to not be allowed to pray, I am not allowed to journal anymore. They hypnotized me into throwing all my prayer journals out and then they hired some thug to steal the garbage bags off the street. They made me throw out photos from my childhood and my journals, so the garbage wasn't dirty with food, it was just household items. They mocked me and judged me for what I wrote in those journals. They took things out of context. And that is how I processed my life, and my prayers. Through writing. So they took away my God and my ability to process my life. And even still, no one will even talk to me or listen to me face to face. 4 years later, it keeps getting worse and worse. I keep complaining about the same things, over and over again. And no one does anything about it. Instead, they keep doing more mean things to me while they keep reminding me how people have hurt me.

All this mess, because I was trying to figure myself out and have a relationship with God.
And what do I get in return? More people doing mean things to me. Sorry, my forgiveness tank is dead empty. They say people can't love if they weren't loved as a baby. We are supposed to be able to forgive because God in Christ forgave us. But we need to experience forgiveness from others if we are to be able to truly forgive others. And every day feels like punishment, not forgiveness, mercy, or love. So why do you expect me to be normal? I keep farting as I sit here because someone is making me fart. It's better than feeling all the gas pains that they used to make me feel.

Everyone only wants to take credit for their wrongs, but they forget who I was and what else I had experienced at the time, because that makes the psychological impact of what they did even worse. Especially since they were all aware of my distant and recent past. Especially since they all had access to my case file which had data in it obtained via trance which I was not even aware of. Especially since they are all trained mental health professionals, for the most part. And why is chaining someone to a wall or creating a virtual prison for someone anywhere close to normal treatment of another human?

And I don't get relationships, which is what I need. Instead I get money, which is partially why I need to run and hide, which makes no sense, because an apology should not cause more grief in one's life. So their concession is causing me pain and grief because look at me now. I am still stuck in this horror land while everyone else is living their lives.

 Whipping a child who is about to cross the street is very different from whipping a child who is chained to a wall and just sustained multiple whips from other people.