Still be terrorized.
They are still making me angry and sad over the wrong things.
They still rob me of my reality, and of any friendships.
They demand sanity of me in the middle of all this. Beyond laughable. I have no life. I have no coping skills - no one lets me socialize, keep busy, exercise when I want, pray, etc.
What more can I say about a Story without a Description?
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
continued violence and I"M the one with the problem?
nothing new here
just bandaids, bacitracin, anti itch cream due to magic
just bandaids, bacitracin, anti itch cream due to magic
Friday, February 11, 2011
dear diary
The powers that be asked me to write about this morning. What a freakin joke!
On the walk, in the kitchen, is it bx problem with dogs, or not??? I have no idea.
But I bet that they used magic on my dogs to get them to do things, and that they continue to do so. And the dogs probably picked up habits that they would not have so they might keep these bad habits that the magicians gave them.
And if you use magic to make someone have sex with a child or in a group setting, it changes the person's head so that they will act differently afterwards even when not under the influence of magic. Addiction, shame, anger, dissociation, the inability to think.In the case of the dogs, they have discovered food on the counter as fair game. I think.
I don't know how true everything I write is, but that is what I suspect and believe, so yes it does make me crazy.
Today when the dogs ran down the stairs, I worried that they might get the food but I figured the stairs are long enough for them to prepare for the dogs entering the kitchen. And if not, I figured it was their fault for being careless and apathetic and in denial about the dogs' problems so they deserve the consequences, which incidentally, is not that big. Just some food loss. For me the consequences are big psychologically because I don't know what the reality really is. For them it is just food loss and anger. So my Dad yelled at me in my face. Or, you made him, or let him. He doesn't yell like that making eye contact with me very often, or at all. So maybe it was cathartic for him, but it just makes me hate all of you even more. I don't want to live here. You are forcing me to live here, and be subject to 2 big monsters daily. My life is so far gone it is off the charts fantasy world no where near reality. Because of you people, choosing to make robots out of all of us, as if you are better, smarter, in higher standing, more important, more worthy of power, than us. Talk about having a God complex. Take a look in the mirror jerks.
Maybe they don't make me type wrong things. Maybe they disable my keyboard or add keystrokes. I don't know which it is. Does that make me want to kill myself? When I think about it, yes. How would you feel if people were controlling your head to make you mistype, and then they also put software on your computer so that they can control what the keystrokes actually do on the screen. And then they make you use the computer. And then they tell you what they are doing to you, and then they hypnotize you into feeling angry. Wouldn't you want to kill yourself too? One of the reasons why we are in this mess in the first place is because I hated being hypnotized. And the new people are so compassionate that they ignore my issues with it completely and do what past aholes have done. Maybe it's true that there is no other way to fix someone's head, but what about my pov?
I have to use computers for the rest of my life. It seems like they are punishing me for journaling. Oh yeah in addition to not be allowed to pray, I am not allowed to journal anymore. They hypnotized me into throwing all my prayer journals out and then they hired some thug to steal the garbage bags off the street. They made me throw out photos from my childhood and my journals, so the garbage wasn't dirty with food, it was just household items. They mocked me and judged me for what I wrote in those journals. They took things out of context. And that is how I processed my life, and my prayers. Through writing. So they took away my God and my ability to process my life. And even still, no one will even talk to me or listen to me face to face. 4 years later, it keeps getting worse and worse. I keep complaining about the same things, over and over again. And no one does anything about it. Instead, they keep doing more mean things to me while they keep reminding me how people have hurt me.
All this mess, because I was trying to figure myself out and have a relationship with God.
And what do I get in return? More people doing mean things to me. Sorry, my forgiveness tank is dead empty. They say people can't love if they weren't loved as a baby. We are supposed to be able to forgive because God in Christ forgave us. But we need to experience forgiveness from others if we are to be able to truly forgive others. And every day feels like punishment, not forgiveness, mercy, or love. So why do you expect me to be normal? I keep farting as I sit here because someone is making me fart. It's better than feeling all the gas pains that they used to make me feel.
Everyone only wants to take credit for their wrongs, but they forget who I was and what else I had experienced at the time, because that makes the psychological impact of what they did even worse. Especially since they were all aware of my distant and recent past. Especially since they all had access to my case file which had data in it obtained via trance which I was not even aware of. Especially since they are all trained mental health professionals, for the most part. And why is chaining someone to a wall or creating a virtual prison for someone anywhere close to normal treatment of another human?
And I don't get relationships, which is what I need. Instead I get money, which is partially why I need to run and hide, which makes no sense, because an apology should not cause more grief in one's life. So their concession is causing me pain and grief because look at me now. I am still stuck in this horror land while everyone else is living their lives.
Whipping a child who is about to cross the street is very different from whipping a child who is chained to a wall and just sustained multiple whips from other people.
On the walk, in the kitchen, is it bx problem with dogs, or not??? I have no idea.
But I bet that they used magic on my dogs to get them to do things, and that they continue to do so. And the dogs probably picked up habits that they would not have so they might keep these bad habits that the magicians gave them.
And if you use magic to make someone have sex with a child or in a group setting, it changes the person's head so that they will act differently afterwards even when not under the influence of magic. Addiction, shame, anger, dissociation, the inability to think.In the case of the dogs, they have discovered food on the counter as fair game. I think.
I don't know how true everything I write is, but that is what I suspect and believe, so yes it does make me crazy.
Today when the dogs ran down the stairs, I worried that they might get the food but I figured the stairs are long enough for them to prepare for the dogs entering the kitchen. And if not, I figured it was their fault for being careless and apathetic and in denial about the dogs' problems so they deserve the consequences, which incidentally, is not that big. Just some food loss. For me the consequences are big psychologically because I don't know what the reality really is. For them it is just food loss and anger. So my Dad yelled at me in my face. Or, you made him, or let him. He doesn't yell like that making eye contact with me very often, or at all. So maybe it was cathartic for him, but it just makes me hate all of you even more. I don't want to live here. You are forcing me to live here, and be subject to 2 big monsters daily. My life is so far gone it is off the charts fantasy world no where near reality. Because of you people, choosing to make robots out of all of us, as if you are better, smarter, in higher standing, more important, more worthy of power, than us. Talk about having a God complex. Take a look in the mirror jerks.
Maybe they don't make me type wrong things. Maybe they disable my keyboard or add keystrokes. I don't know which it is. Does that make me want to kill myself? When I think about it, yes. How would you feel if people were controlling your head to make you mistype, and then they also put software on your computer so that they can control what the keystrokes actually do on the screen. And then they make you use the computer. And then they tell you what they are doing to you, and then they hypnotize you into feeling angry. Wouldn't you want to kill yourself too? One of the reasons why we are in this mess in the first place is because I hated being hypnotized. And the new people are so compassionate that they ignore my issues with it completely and do what past aholes have done. Maybe it's true that there is no other way to fix someone's head, but what about my pov?
I have to use computers for the rest of my life. It seems like they are punishing me for journaling. Oh yeah in addition to not be allowed to pray, I am not allowed to journal anymore. They hypnotized me into throwing all my prayer journals out and then they hired some thug to steal the garbage bags off the street. They made me throw out photos from my childhood and my journals, so the garbage wasn't dirty with food, it was just household items. They mocked me and judged me for what I wrote in those journals. They took things out of context. And that is how I processed my life, and my prayers. Through writing. So they took away my God and my ability to process my life. And even still, no one will even talk to me or listen to me face to face. 4 years later, it keeps getting worse and worse. I keep complaining about the same things, over and over again. And no one does anything about it. Instead, they keep doing more mean things to me while they keep reminding me how people have hurt me.
All this mess, because I was trying to figure myself out and have a relationship with God.
And what do I get in return? More people doing mean things to me. Sorry, my forgiveness tank is dead empty. They say people can't love if they weren't loved as a baby. We are supposed to be able to forgive because God in Christ forgave us. But we need to experience forgiveness from others if we are to be able to truly forgive others. And every day feels like punishment, not forgiveness, mercy, or love. So why do you expect me to be normal? I keep farting as I sit here because someone is making me fart. It's better than feeling all the gas pains that they used to make me feel.
Everyone only wants to take credit for their wrongs, but they forget who I was and what else I had experienced at the time, because that makes the psychological impact of what they did even worse. Especially since they were all aware of my distant and recent past. Especially since they all had access to my case file which had data in it obtained via trance which I was not even aware of. Especially since they are all trained mental health professionals, for the most part. And why is chaining someone to a wall or creating a virtual prison for someone anywhere close to normal treatment of another human?
And I don't get relationships, which is what I need. Instead I get money, which is partially why I need to run and hide, which makes no sense, because an apology should not cause more grief in one's life. So their concession is causing me pain and grief because look at me now. I am still stuck in this horror land while everyone else is living their lives.
Whipping a child who is about to cross the street is very different from whipping a child who is chained to a wall and just sustained multiple whips from other people.
bubble feet
They made me pour boiling water on my feet this morning.
OK maybe I am exaggerating. It was only a few drops. But what is the point of my complaint?
- It could have been a whole pot, which means that for the rest of my life I have to worry that I am going to pour boiling water on my feet. It is not always the offense, but rather the implicit threat, and power, that looms over me by the magicians. And this had never occurred to me. It 'was' a pure area of life, but it's not anymore. It is officially tainted. They don't like that I complain that they ruin things because as MH professionals their whole premise is that one can heal from past hurts. So, instead, they tell me (without words) that this ruining thing is MY problem, and that I need practice managing magician victimization, so they keep coming up with new things to do to me. Yes this is on the heels of a few years of being attacked. Go figure. Somehow this is all my fault.
- One also loses the ability to have confidence in one's abilities. You might know, or suspect, that someone is brainwashing you into doing something like typing the wrong keys, which I do over and over again, every time I sit down to type. A lot goes on - I try not to get mad, at myself, or them - I try to ignore it. But then they force the anger feelings to come through anyway. Because I need to be mad about being terrorized, because that is a healthy response. Being numb is not a healthy response. But I don't want to be mad. No one understands that. I have no way of knowing if I am being hypnotized or not, so what is the point in getting mad that I bonked my head, stubbed my toe, mistyped a bunch of words, can't do the sudoku puzzle, etc. And, on top of all this, they are doing something completely different:
1. They are forcing me via hyp to do something to hurt or frustrate myself.
2. They force me via hyp to get mad.
3. And then they tell me that I am really mad about something else like sx abuse from 30 years ago, because they paired those buried feelings with the thoughts about someone making me bonk my head. Because I can't handle the real truth about my past, but it needs to be recollected, emotionally at least? It's like they are unleashing compartments of rage and forcing me to think different thoughts. That is what people with bad wiring do anyway: they think the person in the museum just did something incredibly horrible to them when all they did was bump into their purse/body.
That is so not who I want to be, the hysterical histortionist, but that is what they make me into every day. I've been aware for a long time that some of my hysterics were mine to own, so I would try to hide them. I knew I was having large reactions internally so I would just do what I could to get through the moment. I would think, this is who I am, someone who gets upset at odd things. I can't control it or change it. I don't know why it happens, but there is no way I am going to tell anyone because why would a very sad person confide in the very person who appears to be making them sad when they suspect that the problem is theirs alone? Someone once advised me to preach the truth to myself every time I have a 'moment', while feeling the awful feelings, and eventually over time the intensity would die down. I haven't had much opportunity to practice that because my life/brain was taken over 7 years ago. And, I began thinking that the real healing comes from 'releasing' the junk: you get real meaning for the real feelings because proper connections in the brain are restored, and then you don't have those hysterical reactions. But they aren't even letting me make sense of my life in that way.. Either it's not true, or not advisable in my situation. No one is telling me anything.
The bottom line of their message to me is:
- You are not who you think you are (most people aren't either)
- You don't think you get mad because you don't remember
- We need to make you mad repeatedly so that you stay in touch with yourself when you get mad
- Even though you are in a makeshift prison with no real relationships or choices of your own, you are not being maltreated or punished. HA!
They say I have attachment problems because multiple people have approached me with games and fun over the past few years and then lashed out at me, repeatedly, without cause. They want me to reason with myself, that these people were under a tremendous amount of stress, or were being controlled or pushed, and that I don't really know who they are yet. They told me that most of these people are physically and mentally contagiously ill, are still under considerable stress, and want to rape/molest me but why can't I just forgive them and explore friendship with them? What would you do? They've already been 'wired' to hurt me, so if I show up with that fearful look in my eyes, I will be asking for it.
Am I going to get in trouble for posting this? The words never go away, they sit in browser feeds on people's computers indefinitely. I have no idea.
I could pray but they won't let me. They told me they were going to minister to me by playing with me via magic, but one woman, whom I have never met, made me bonk my teeth on a beer bottle, and then made me say 'In Your Name We Play' instead of 'Pray' during a public prayer. Are we playing in His name? I don't know. Is using magic 'Playing in His Name'? Well God knows the whole situation including the fears and dangers and complications of real face to face interactions, and that this is how they have communicated with me since I was fired from therapy almost 4 years ago. Is He a gray God or a black and white God? Does He say MAGIC IS WRONG stop it now? Someone else needs to pray about this because they don't let me pray. God says that murder is wrong but then He himself kills people and gets people to kill each other (i.e. war, judgement on nations, etc.). Does it make sense to use magic to fix what magic has done to people's lives? It seems that way, but people will surely make mistakes and use it for the wrong reasons. And, we have discovered how magic screws up people's heads.
It is like no other debate.
Summary of my situation today:
1 - Another day in hell
2 - Another day alone
3 - My plans include some sort of exercise, maybe eventually I will brush my teeth and hair. Eat some food. Complain. Wonder if the dogs have psychological problems or if they are just being magicizied. If they have problems we need to work on them. But they are not my dogs. If they are being controlled by magic/vodoo, there is nothing we can do. But I can't tell my parents so I have to pretend that my parents are the ones who keep making mistakes with the dogs' bx problems. It might be true, it might not be. My parents might also be controlled by vodoo into making mistakes or not addressing problems. It looks like we are witnessing some sort of numbing/hopeless attitude that parents or victimized people fall into. But if we are still being victimized, which we are, then what is the point in trying to fix a problem with the dogs? What is the point in even thinking about it? And I have a different vantage point than them. They don't know that they were victimized in the past or even today. Do you see what I go through every day?
OK maybe I am exaggerating. It was only a few drops. But what is the point of my complaint?
- It could have been a whole pot, which means that for the rest of my life I have to worry that I am going to pour boiling water on my feet. It is not always the offense, but rather the implicit threat, and power, that looms over me by the magicians. And this had never occurred to me. It 'was' a pure area of life, but it's not anymore. It is officially tainted. They don't like that I complain that they ruin things because as MH professionals their whole premise is that one can heal from past hurts. So, instead, they tell me (without words) that this ruining thing is MY problem, and that I need practice managing magician victimization, so they keep coming up with new things to do to me. Yes this is on the heels of a few years of being attacked. Go figure. Somehow this is all my fault.
- One also loses the ability to have confidence in one's abilities. You might know, or suspect, that someone is brainwashing you into doing something like typing the wrong keys, which I do over and over again, every time I sit down to type. A lot goes on - I try not to get mad, at myself, or them - I try to ignore it. But then they force the anger feelings to come through anyway. Because I need to be mad about being terrorized, because that is a healthy response. Being numb is not a healthy response. But I don't want to be mad. No one understands that. I have no way of knowing if I am being hypnotized or not, so what is the point in getting mad that I bonked my head, stubbed my toe, mistyped a bunch of words, can't do the sudoku puzzle, etc. And, on top of all this, they are doing something completely different:
1. They are forcing me via hyp to do something to hurt or frustrate myself.
2. They force me via hyp to get mad.
3. And then they tell me that I am really mad about something else like sx abuse from 30 years ago, because they paired those buried feelings with the thoughts about someone making me bonk my head. Because I can't handle the real truth about my past, but it needs to be recollected, emotionally at least? It's like they are unleashing compartments of rage and forcing me to think different thoughts. That is what people with bad wiring do anyway: they think the person in the museum just did something incredibly horrible to them when all they did was bump into their purse/body.
That is so not who I want to be, the hysterical histortionist, but that is what they make me into every day. I've been aware for a long time that some of my hysterics were mine to own, so I would try to hide them. I knew I was having large reactions internally so I would just do what I could to get through the moment. I would think, this is who I am, someone who gets upset at odd things. I can't control it or change it. I don't know why it happens, but there is no way I am going to tell anyone because why would a very sad person confide in the very person who appears to be making them sad when they suspect that the problem is theirs alone? Someone once advised me to preach the truth to myself every time I have a 'moment', while feeling the awful feelings, and eventually over time the intensity would die down. I haven't had much opportunity to practice that because my life/brain was taken over 7 years ago. And, I began thinking that the real healing comes from 'releasing' the junk: you get real meaning for the real feelings because proper connections in the brain are restored, and then you don't have those hysterical reactions. But they aren't even letting me make sense of my life in that way.. Either it's not true, or not advisable in my situation. No one is telling me anything.
The bottom line of their message to me is:
- You are not who you think you are (most people aren't either)
- You don't think you get mad because you don't remember
- We need to make you mad repeatedly so that you stay in touch with yourself when you get mad
- Even though you are in a makeshift prison with no real relationships or choices of your own, you are not being maltreated or punished. HA!
They say I have attachment problems because multiple people have approached me with games and fun over the past few years and then lashed out at me, repeatedly, without cause. They want me to reason with myself, that these people were under a tremendous amount of stress, or were being controlled or pushed, and that I don't really know who they are yet. They told me that most of these people are physically and mentally contagiously ill, are still under considerable stress, and want to rape/molest me but why can't I just forgive them and explore friendship with them? What would you do? They've already been 'wired' to hurt me, so if I show up with that fearful look in my eyes, I will be asking for it.
Am I going to get in trouble for posting this? The words never go away, they sit in browser feeds on people's computers indefinitely. I have no idea.
I could pray but they won't let me. They told me they were going to minister to me by playing with me via magic, but one woman, whom I have never met, made me bonk my teeth on a beer bottle, and then made me say 'In Your Name We Play' instead of 'Pray' during a public prayer. Are we playing in His name? I don't know. Is using magic 'Playing in His Name'? Well God knows the whole situation including the fears and dangers and complications of real face to face interactions, and that this is how they have communicated with me since I was fired from therapy almost 4 years ago. Is He a gray God or a black and white God? Does He say MAGIC IS WRONG stop it now? Someone else needs to pray about this because they don't let me pray. God says that murder is wrong but then He himself kills people and gets people to kill each other (i.e. war, judgement on nations, etc.). Does it make sense to use magic to fix what magic has done to people's lives? It seems that way, but people will surely make mistakes and use it for the wrong reasons. And, we have discovered how magic screws up people's heads.
It is like no other debate.
Summary of my situation today:
1 - Another day in hell
2 - Another day alone
3 - My plans include some sort of exercise, maybe eventually I will brush my teeth and hair. Eat some food. Complain. Wonder if the dogs have psychological problems or if they are just being magicizied. If they have problems we need to work on them. But they are not my dogs. If they are being controlled by magic/vodoo, there is nothing we can do. But I can't tell my parents so I have to pretend that my parents are the ones who keep making mistakes with the dogs' bx problems. It might be true, it might not be. My parents might also be controlled by vodoo into making mistakes or not addressing problems. It looks like we are witnessing some sort of numbing/hopeless attitude that parents or victimized people fall into. But if we are still being victimized, which we are, then what is the point in trying to fix a problem with the dogs? What is the point in even thinking about it? And I have a different vantage point than them. They don't know that they were victimized in the past or even today. Do you see what I go through every day?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
No End In Sight
Making my mom take me to the supermarket on her wallet means there is no end in sight because now I (she, actually) can buy me tampons and saline solution. I've always thought the end MUST come now because of x, and it never has, and the new people want to keep doing the same thing to me. Is that how you treat a shattered person? Wow can't wait to meet you. Ha.
The bills haven't been paid in months, my cell phone is about to be turned off, my medical insurance will probably end any day, and I dread the daily mail because I am waiting for more writing from the bill people - where is your money?
None of this is worth it - I don't care what you say. Thanks for making me feel like a psychotic non mother by thinking a baby is waiting for me. What a joke. Solitary Confinement to motherhood?
I've been waiting for at least 7 years to explore new music, learn how to cook, and swim in a nice pool, among other things. And all I do is create genograms and complain, and act like a weirdo. And get terrorized via my parents and neighbors and strangers. Thank you so much!
And now they tell me I can't have a nice car because I will be livid if anyone makes snide remarks about my conspicuous consumption. Yeah budget this, you ever so evil minded arrogant controlling jerks.
The bills haven't been paid in months, my cell phone is about to be turned off, my medical insurance will probably end any day, and I dread the daily mail because I am waiting for more writing from the bill people - where is your money?
None of this is worth it - I don't care what you say. Thanks for making me feel like a psychotic non mother by thinking a baby is waiting for me. What a joke. Solitary Confinement to motherhood?
I've been waiting for at least 7 years to explore new music, learn how to cook, and swim in a nice pool, among other things. And all I do is create genograms and complain, and act like a weirdo. And get terrorized via my parents and neighbors and strangers. Thank you so much!
And now they tell me I can't have a nice car because I will be livid if anyone makes snide remarks about my conspicuous consumption. Yeah budget this, you ever so evil minded arrogant controlling jerks.
More of the Same
Today was no different. Did just about nothing.
I went to the grocery store with my parents and dogs (dogs and dad waited in car).
And there they terrorized me. It was gross. I know the people in the store are robots, and I know someone is remotely hypnotically triggering something or a number of things, but I still wanted to hit that guy with the loaf of bread. Sometimes I put something in front of my body/face to keep people away from me or so that I don't see them. I play all these weird games like being extra nice to someone whom I want to pummel because they get too close to me and not getting out of the way for people.
It's not a complete distortion because these people are agents of the 'devil' - I am not imagining that I have people lurking in the shadows, in cars, behind cameras, or wherever, plotting to make me feel horrible horrible things repeatedly. They are there and they are 'hurting' me on purpose. But they are calling it therapy. Still.
I complained some more in my room by myself because I have these delusions that people sneak into my house when we all go out and install monitoring devices in hidden places. Do you think I am crazy? Do you think what they are doing to me is crazy?
I didn't want my mom to spend anymore money on me - she has been carrying me financially for 2 years. And these aholes brainwashed her main source of income to forget about her for the past year. I really really don't know what these people expect from me. Except that they keep wanting to re-enact situations that happened to me, over and over and over again. It's like they are obsessed with my issues and victimization.
So I didn't reallly look for cool food in the grocery store. I just want my own kitchen and refridgerator. There is no room for anything I might want. So I just eat what she buys. I don't make myself carrot juice anymore. The juicer has been in my trunk for over 2 months now, since Thankgiving. And now it is almost Valentines Day. Can you believe what they are still doing to me? I felt like a child, throwing things into my mommy's grocery cart. It was mostly cleaning supplies. I did pick out my toilet paper because I hate the one she buys.
So I have had no highlights today. I showered, put on some pseudo nice clothes, got reemed in the supermarket, and my mom kept flicking her fingers in the car which kept triggering me because I am all programmed up. This is sooo not worth it. Seriously, I would rather live in a cave for the rest of my life than experience this. I am not kidding. Maybe not a cave, but an apartment that serves as a cave. Just avoid people, and crowds. Because they are the problem, seemingly. Why are relationships ever worth it if they are going to be anything like what I have experienced? These guys are a bunch of broken magicians who are not my heroes but rather are trying to make the best of a bad situation. I still get to worry for the rest of my life about a bazillion different things. Even if all the magicians died, I would still have so many worries.
Whatever, I have no idea what they are doing, except pissing my life away for me. They are in touch with me less and less, and the bills keep streaming in.
My mom just said 'this is what you wanted' to the dogs, and I think that was directed at me. THIS is what I wanted? Sitting around doing nothing? HA. What a joke. I'm not any more ready to wheel and deal than I was 2 years ago. I just want to run away but I can't. I just want to die but I can't. I just want to see people who know me but I can't. I want to make friends (and hide in my cave) but I can't. I just want to get out of this house tonight but I can't. They 'let' me bring in 2 books from my car, which is a bad sign. It just goes on and on. I don't even think I am allowed to pray still. They keep sabotaging me every time I try.
I went to the grocery store with my parents and dogs (dogs and dad waited in car).
And there they terrorized me. It was gross. I know the people in the store are robots, and I know someone is remotely hypnotically triggering something or a number of things, but I still wanted to hit that guy with the loaf of bread. Sometimes I put something in front of my body/face to keep people away from me or so that I don't see them. I play all these weird games like being extra nice to someone whom I want to pummel because they get too close to me and not getting out of the way for people.
It's not a complete distortion because these people are agents of the 'devil' - I am not imagining that I have people lurking in the shadows, in cars, behind cameras, or wherever, plotting to make me feel horrible horrible things repeatedly. They are there and they are 'hurting' me on purpose. But they are calling it therapy. Still.
I complained some more in my room by myself because I have these delusions that people sneak into my house when we all go out and install monitoring devices in hidden places. Do you think I am crazy? Do you think what they are doing to me is crazy?
I didn't want my mom to spend anymore money on me - she has been carrying me financially for 2 years. And these aholes brainwashed her main source of income to forget about her for the past year. I really really don't know what these people expect from me. Except that they keep wanting to re-enact situations that happened to me, over and over and over again. It's like they are obsessed with my issues and victimization.
So I didn't reallly look for cool food in the grocery store. I just want my own kitchen and refridgerator. There is no room for anything I might want. So I just eat what she buys. I don't make myself carrot juice anymore. The juicer has been in my trunk for over 2 months now, since Thankgiving. And now it is almost Valentines Day. Can you believe what they are still doing to me? I felt like a child, throwing things into my mommy's grocery cart. It was mostly cleaning supplies. I did pick out my toilet paper because I hate the one she buys.
So I have had no highlights today. I showered, put on some pseudo nice clothes, got reemed in the supermarket, and my mom kept flicking her fingers in the car which kept triggering me because I am all programmed up. This is sooo not worth it. Seriously, I would rather live in a cave for the rest of my life than experience this. I am not kidding. Maybe not a cave, but an apartment that serves as a cave. Just avoid people, and crowds. Because they are the problem, seemingly. Why are relationships ever worth it if they are going to be anything like what I have experienced? These guys are a bunch of broken magicians who are not my heroes but rather are trying to make the best of a bad situation. I still get to worry for the rest of my life about a bazillion different things. Even if all the magicians died, I would still have so many worries.
Whatever, I have no idea what they are doing, except pissing my life away for me. They are in touch with me less and less, and the bills keep streaming in.
My mom just said 'this is what you wanted' to the dogs, and I think that was directed at me. THIS is what I wanted? Sitting around doing nothing? HA. What a joke. I'm not any more ready to wheel and deal than I was 2 years ago. I just want to run away but I can't. I just want to die but I can't. I just want to see people who know me but I can't. I want to make friends (and hide in my cave) but I can't. I just want to get out of this house tonight but I can't. They 'let' me bring in 2 books from my car, which is a bad sign. It just goes on and on. I don't even think I am allowed to pray still. They keep sabotaging me every time I try.
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